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Cleaning the slate

I promised my readers that I would write a post about my hypnotherapy session in detail, so here goes.

I had first heard about “hypnosis as a therapy” from a couple of "now ex-smokers" who claimed they did one session of hypnosis and had completely quit smoking after that. One of the people had been smoking for over 20 years, and had never been able to quit, but one session of hypnosis did wonders for him, and he has not had the urge for even a single puff after that.

I always wondered how that worked. I mean, what can one session of any kind of therapy do? And what is hypnotherapy anyway? One would imagine that the therapist would hypnotize you. And then what? Do they “make you” do goofy things? So I was always very wary of any such therapy. I mean, I’m wary of regular therapy too! Perhaps that explains why I have never been to a therapist so far.

But then Jill mentioned that she was considering hypno-therapy geared towards fertility. And she wrote a couple of posts about her …

You can run, but you can never hide

It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been in a fuddled, confused state of mind, not feeling very communicative, not having much clarity of thought and word. Broken, tired and hopeless.

You can run but you can never hide from the reality of your life, can you? It always comes back to bite you in the rear. And reality could be in any form. You could take a firm decision to enjoy your long weekend and not think about life and IF, and you could get asked the “So when are you having kids” question right in the beginning of the weekend, when you’re happy and just slightly buzzed on nice strong mojitos. Or it could be in the form of the sight of an obviously newborn baby wailing loudly, and being rocked to silence by an obviously inexperienced dad in the park on a sunny afternoon. You walk silently by, and all you can do is reach out for your DH’s hand and squeeze it.

It’s been over a month since our BFN and it hasn’t been easy. On the outside, life has gone back to being routine. …

My body killed my blastocysts

That’s right, folks. BFN. Big fucking negative. 2 great quality 4AA grade blastocysts killed mercilessly by my barren empty womb. I’m that woman that contributes to the BFN parts of clinics’ statistics, so that the stats average out.What the hell am I talking about? It’s about time I came out and told you what I’ve been up to in the last couple of months.I’m sure some of you may have wondered why my blog was so disjointed recently. When Nikki has 4 blasts on ice, why is she going all over the place, exploring adoption, and then seemingly not even exploring adoption any more, writing infrequently, and writing irrelevantly?Very simple explanation. No, I wasn’t nuts. I knew we had those 4 blasts, and after we called off our FET in March, DH and I had decided to take a little break, and then prep my stubborn lining again. I just didn’t want to write about it on my blog, because I was feeling a lot of “performance anxiety”. I told some of you individually, but didn’t want to blog about it …

In dance steps....

DH and I like watching these dance shows. Yeah, we're "those" people!

So anyway - the other day, this piece came on. It was a tribute to breast cancer, and was beautifully executed. When the piece got over, I quietly reached out for a tissue to wipe my tears. I had such a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't speak. I turned to look at DH, and I saw him reaching out for a tissue as well. He too had tears in his eyes.

When we finally spoke, we realized that we had both seen the piece as being very fitting for a couple fighting IF too. The struggles, the despair, the anger - it all comes out so beautifully! The girl seems to be helpless, turning to the man for support, trusting him, wanting him to make her pain go away. The man tries to lift the girl up out of her (their) sorrows as much as he can. When he is alone, he struggles too, but becomes strong for the girl when he is with her. 
There is so much sadness, anger, helplessness in this piece. But at the same time, so…

The value of a lady

I recently had a conversation with my manager about *maybe* going to Denver at some point in the future. I wanted him to know, so there was no misunderstanding if and when I did go.
The conversation went something like this: (The sequence of sentences may be mixed up a little, because I was too shocked to be able to remember everything, and you’ll see why I was shocked)

Me: I wanted to let you know that at some point DH and I will be going to Denver for our “treatment”.
Him: What treatment?
Me: Our fertility treatment – I had mentioned it to you before, right?
Him: What treatment?? OH the pregnancy one?
Me: Yes, the pregnancy one (controlled eye roll here)
Him: How old are you?
Me: I’m 38.
Him: You’re 38????
Me: Yes
(This “You’re 38??” and “Yes” was repeated some 5 times)
Him: How long have you been married?
Me: 12 years, and we’ve been trying since 2001.
Him: You’ve had some abortions right?
Me: NO I HAVE NOT HAD ANY ABORTIONS! I HAVE HAD MISCARRIAGES OR PREGNANCY LOSSES!
Him: It must be very hard.

More than the inability to have a child

Infertility gets defined as the inability to get pregnant after trying for 1 year (or 6 months depending on your age), or the inability to carry a pregnancy. That’s the technical description, and what is apparent and visible to the outsider.

But to the couple dealing with IF? It pervades every aspect of life. At least for DH and me, that is the case. It impacts relationships, confidence, career, finances, body image – just about everything!

I look back over the years, and there’s so much that has changed, so much we have lost…all because of infertility. This is what my infertility has done to me….

Relationships – Let’s see. How many relationships have changed, and how they have changed!! The most important one – DH and my relationship. On the one hand, it has matured and grown deeper, to a level where we really really “get” each other. We’ve both become protective of each other, and will unconditionally put the other in front of anything else in life. However at the same time, our relati…

It's been a while....

I'm here. Alive and well. I've just been very quiet lately. There's been a lot going on in my life - but no, I did not have a miracle BFP, and I am not pregnant and therefore in hiding. (Sadly - I'm not one of those girls that everyone knows - you know the one people talk about "I know this girl, she tried for 8 years, had 3 losses, went through 5 IVFs, and just when she had given up, BAM, she was pregnant on her own!")

My life is average.

Remember my uncle in the east coast? The one I went to meet? He had been so sick for so many years, with each episode adding on to the previous one. The final event in March this year when his lungs collapsed was like the last straw on his back. He was on ventilator, and being fed through a tube, and with no hopes being given by any doctor that he would ever recover from it. It was really sad - his brain was alert and active, but his body would not cooperate. His muscles had atrophied over the years and he had been on a whee…